Monday, September 5, 2011

On the eve of my second week - doubts

I'm seriously questioning whether I made the right decision to get a PhD. What the fuck was I thinking? My social skills are deficient at best and I'm so terrified of screwing things up that I've been paralyzed. I've read a sum total of three pages out of my cell biology book - all within the past hour. And comprehension of anything? Ha! What's comprehenshun?!?! I feel like an idiot. I really do. And there's nothing and no one that can allay my fears of failing spectacularly - because that's a very real possibility at this point. Compounding my inferiority complex is my fear of being forgotten by the people I love and whose company I genuinely enjoy. Even to the point of looking for any speck of evidence that this is happening - let's just say that lurking on Facebook isn't always fun or constructive. Maybe I do belong in academia - my ego seems to need constant validation in order for me to feel okay about myself. I'm well on my way to becoming a professor! I feel very vulnerable in admitting some of my irrational thoughts and emotions (and I've only just scratched the surface) - and maybe I shouldn't be doing it, but this is part of the "adventure" of grad school. I remember feeling just as lost and irrational and stupid at various points while working on my master's degree - even while I was giving my thesis seminar. My rational mind is telling me that these feelings will subside (or at least become less intense) as time goes on, but the reptilian part of my brain is still just telling me to run and hide.

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