Deep thoughts

It's finally the end of a very long week and I've just sat down to my desk after coming home and taking out the trash. Ashley's thesis defense was a great success (even though she still isn't convinced of that) - she packed the house! I've never seen so many people show up for a thesis defense - she even had a couple of her students turn out for this! They had to sit on the floor because the room was so full. She did a fabulous job, just like I knew she would, and I'm so proud of her! Her whole family flew out from Oregon for this. It was so sweet it almost made me wish I had told my mom that I was defending my thesis. I just visited her the other day and I still don't think I told her. I know - who forgets to say to her mother, "hey Mom, I just got my Master's degree!!!"? You know who? Me, that's who. I knew if I told her, she'd feel obligated to come, and she'd probably dress up and all. If she dressed up, that would mean that she thought it was a big deal. I didn't want it to be a big deal, because I wouldn't have been able to handle it emotionally. Really. I would have been hiding in a bathroom stall somewhere shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. That's not a good look for me. If I pretended like it was just a normal day, I'd be fine. So that's what I did. And I was. Although I almost started to choke up at the very end when I showed the collage of people/pets I'd lost. When I was an early undergrad, I always envisioned the day that I would graduate with my bachelor's degree and how proud my dad would be when he saw me walk across that stage. That day never came. By the time I finally got my bachelor's degree after more than a decade of hard work, Alzheimer's had already taken too much of him. I still beat myself up sometimes for taking too long to get through school. I don't ever again want to build fantasies in my head that reality doesn't have a prayer of living up to. I joked about naming plasmids after my dad, my grandma, Bob the Hedgehog, and my cat, Lynx, to make it okay for me to memorialize them without making people feel too awkward. I really did name plasmids after them though - I wasn't kidding about that.

It was weird to be back at Eastern. Good, but weird. I didn't feel at home there like I used to though. I think this is mostly because I was a good girl and turned in all of my keys, even though Judy never shook me down for them. Even after 2 weeks, it still doesn't feel right not to have my jailor's key ring on my belt. I still catch myself checking my hip for keys that aren't there anymore. I had so many keys on my carabiner that I really needed to wear a belt to keep them from dragging my pants down. What I found really surprising today was how many people told me they read this blog and how much they enjoy it. It actually made me feel a little embarrassed. I honestly didn't think anyone would care enough to want to read it. Me interesting? What?! It feels good to have proof that you belong. At the very least, I'm glad my misery is a source of amusement because otherwise it would be a total waste. VandenBosch showed me how much he loves me by giving me a USB key I need to fix the figure in my thesis that he told me I screwed up, then proceeding to completely ignore me in order to totally monopolize conversation with Mandy, who came from Puerto Rico for Ashley's defense. Then, when I protested, he started talking about me to Mandy in Spanish. He said I was muy something. I think it was probably muy pain-in-the-ass (however you say that in Spanish). I reminded him that his wife had called him a few minutes earlier and would be wondering why he wasn't home yet. I hadn't seen Jim in 2 weeks, yet we picked right up where we left off with the old married couple bickering. Ah, it was so nice to be home again.

I had intended to talk about more stuff, but now I don't feel like it. I'll save it for tomorrow. I didn't expect to enjoy writing (only as long as it isn't thesis-related, otherwise I'd rather have my fingernails ripped off), but I'm starting to remember why in high school I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. If only I would grow up already...