A rollercoaster of a week

I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around that I can't keep anything straight. Nothing externally earth-shattering happened, but I tend to live in my head and I'm exhausted because of it. I've become aware of a disturbing habit of talking to myself - out loud - every morning in the shower. It isn't a new behavior, I'm just newly aware of it. Not sure which is worse. I say the same thing every day: "I don't want to do this anymore". I haven't decided what "this" is. The top candidate right now (and rightly so) is PhD school, but "this" could also be showering, driving, trying to look like I don't want to stab someone in the eye, thinking, feeling, being sober...the list goes on. 

Wednesday. I did end up going to the farmers market on Wayne State's main campus. I took the medical campus shuttle, hoping it would take me to places I hadn't made it to on foot. This whole thing seemed more exciting at the time than it does as I half-heartedly try to recount it. I'm tired of telling this lame story, so here's the abbreviated version. Got on shuttle. Drove around awhile. Made a stop at Henry Ford Hospital where two impossibly young and attractive female doctors mistook this shuttle for a different one. Their simple mistake pissed off the surly eastern European driver, who after the doors shut, started gesticulating wildly and sort of yelling stuff I couldn't understand. I decided that I would not be taking the shuttle back to the med school since walking doesn't (usually) involved pissed off gesticulating eastern Europeans. Got off shuttle when I saw lots of college-y looking people milling around. Briefly scoped out the tiny farmers market:

Found the tent that sold crepes and bought a turkey, swiss, and spinach crepe for $7.00. I'm still baffled at how much shit costs in Detroit. Feels like Ann Arbor. And I don't miss that part of living in Ann Arbor. I've never seen a bigger crepe in my life - it was at least as big as a 78 rpm record. Folded up, it was still pretty fucking huge:

Ginormous expensive-ass crepe

I couldn't even eat the whole thing. I haven't had much of an appetite lately anyway though. And frankly, it's about time that I quit shoving everything that looks like food into my mouth because it has gotten way out of hand. Seriously. I have a wicked case of "thesis ass" that I need to work off. "Thesis ass" is a close relative of the "office ass" that many of the case managers at M-CARE were afflicted with. With "thesis ass", there's lots of sitting (duh, right?), but a lot more cussing and shrieking than typing. Shit, I just remembered that this is supposed to be the abbreviated recount of Wednesday. Okay, back on track. Stopped at lame-o WSU bookstore to get the stupid lanyard I wanted last week (I'm nothing if not persistent) and scored a bonus item: an orange homework folder. Elliot needed a bunch of folders of specific colors, including orange. Do you know how hard orange folders are to find? I was convinced that no one made them and that the teacher was playing a practical joke with her supply list that I was not finding too funny. The ONLY place I have found that had any orange folders was the lame-o WSU bookstore. They even had two different colors of orange folders!! WTF?? So I bought an orange homework folder and a Wayne State lanyard for my ID. Walked back to the medical campus. Got lost in the building next to Scott Hall while looking for the medical library. Found the bridge into Scott Hall while lost. Came back and found the medical library that I had walked past on the way to getting lost. Sweaty now. Ew. Waited around for another hour before my rotation interview. Had interview. Talked about host proteins involved with HIV replication. Left. Went home. Don't remember much of the rest of the day, probably because it sucked. Helped Elliot study for spelling. He was happy and thought it was fun. Felt like a really smart mom.

Thursday. Had class. In molecular biology, I'm pretty sure the professor knows that I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. I've never had a prof who looked at me with the slightly disappointed gaze that tells me she can read my mind. She gets frustrated when she asks if anyone has any questions, but no one responds. I want to just come out and say, "look lady, it's not like I know this shit so well that I don't have to ask questions. Gimme a break. I'm a first year - I'm not nearly that arrogant yet. The problem is that I don't know enough to be able to ask ANY question." We are light years apart in terms of the level of understanding or comprehension. And I have a test on this crap next Wednesday. It should be a blast. The high point of the day was going to the Corner with Ashley and Walker, and staying long enough to see the GA crowd come out of the woodwork. I had 3 beers and a great time with my friends.

Friday. Holy fuck - I had 3 beers last night and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. What was I thinking?! Go to class. Hung. Over. Barely supressed the urge to puke when going over incomprehensible serine or cysteine (whatever) protease mechanisms. Went home. Still hungover. Texted my friends and begged them to let me help move the micro teaching lab. Went to Eastern. Felt like a stalker. Jim told me I was a stalker. Jim was being a dick. I let his foul mood take me down with it. Went scavenging for random shit in the psych department. Got creeped out by the rooms with windows for cameras. Back hurt. Feet hurt. Hungry. Upset. Felt old, lonely, and broken. Went home. Got stuck in construction traffic on I-94. Managed not to go apeshit crazy before making it to the house. Laid down. Cat tried to make out with me. Got back up. Emailed Walker for reassurance that Jim really doesn't hate me. Walker is awesome and made me feel better. This emotional rollercoaster bullshit is why I tend to keep everyone at arm's length. It's harder for people to hurt what they can't reach. I hear Chris playing World of Warcraft (lots of mouse clicking and keyboard key tapping sounds). I think I'll go make fun of him to make me feel better about myself before I go to bed.

Extending my pseudopods beyond Scott Hall...

Today after the daily dose of brain lidocaine they call lecture, I dared myself to go find Eastern Market, scope it out, and then find my way home without getting lost. If you look at a map, it shows Eastern Market spread out over several blocks - it's absolutely massive and intimidating. On Tuesdays during the summer, they actually have a very scaled down version of the weekend market that seems almost manageable for a noob like myself. Since I don't have a GPS thingy yet, I found directions online and memorized how to get there and how to get home from there. It's only 1.5 miles from the medical campus, but the route isn't very pedestrian-friendly. The parking lot was full, but I managed to find a metered spot on the street. Historically, every parking meter I've tried to use in Detroit has eaten my quarters without putting any time on the meter, and the piece of shit I parked in front of this time was no exception. The secretaries in the Immuno & Micro department had cautioned me about parking on the street, saying that they film the show "Parking Wars" in the area and the meter maids here don't fuck around (I'm paraphrasing). I had visions of me coming back to my booted (or absent!) car, so it was a quick trip. I went looking for raw honey since my source for super cheap delicious honey in Glennie (Northern MI in the middle of nowhere) isn't there anymore. I found honey, but they were selling it at Ann Arbor Farmers' Market prices. Um, hello - this is Detroit! I ended up buying a couple of cartons of strawberries and walked away feeling kinda weird about the fact that the label said they were grown in California. I got back to the car (still there, no boot, yay!) and found my way to I-75 going the right to way to get me to I-94 and home! I was so proud of myself for risking getting totally lost, but going out anyway and having a successful trip. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Wayne State Farmers' Market on main campus. This time, I'm going to try taking the campus shuttle to see where it goes. I have a rotation interview at 2:30, so I have some time to kill after class lets out at 11:45.

Enzyme kinetics and microfilaments can suck it

I feel like I'm in the seventh circle of hell - where all of the concepts in cell bio and biochem that I most despised and hoped never to see again have become the be-all and end-all of my pathetic existence. I know I need to learn this stuff, but I haaaaate it. It's sooooo boring. I actually googled "can you die of boredom?", and found out that you can! Boredom will probably kill me at some point by giving me heart disease with perhaps a massive heart attack or maybe get real fancy and give me a nice big hemorrhagic stroke. But with my genes, this probably won't happen until I'm about 150-160 years old. Fuck. It's so bad that even bringing Ben Stein in to do the lectures would really liven things up. How am I going to assimilate this material?? It seems hopeless - I've actually been using my cell biology book as bedtime reading because it knocks me out in less than five minutes. Seriously. My biochemistry book works even better; whenever I open the cover, it's as if I'm overcome by a cloud of chloroform and it's lights out for Kristie. I'm so screwed...

Trivial Pursuit and mattress shopping

The last few days, Elliot's been wanting to do puzzles with me. After we finished putting together an Indiana Jones puzzle on Thursday, Elliot asked if we could do another one. I didn't really want to do another puzzle, so I went to the closet to see what else we had. It was then that I spotted my very first Trivial Pursuit game. In fact, I think it is the only one of all the games and toys that I ever had as a kid to make it to adulthood with me. Meanwhile, Chris still has every toy that he ever played with. Not that I'm bitter about that, but I digress...If you know me, then you know that Trivial Pursuit is my absolute hands-down all-time favorite game in the whole world. I really can't overstate this. I love this game. Then I read the suggested age range: "Age 7 and Up". YESSSS!!!!! I grabbed the box, spun around, and said, "Elliot, I've been waiting your whole life for this!!" Unfortunately, we ran out of time to play it that day. I can't wait though - it's gonna be awesome when I finally get to play it with him! Chris just rolled his eyes at me (as usual), even though he was exactly the same way with Legos. Quattros and Duplos weren't "real" Legos, so he couldn't wait until Elliot was old enough to be trusted not to eat them.

My 1st Trivial Pursuit, circa sometime between 1984 & 1987. The brown spots are from my dad's chewing tobacco. Yum.

On a completely different subject, we went mattress shopping today. The last time I bought a bed/mattress was in 1997. I think the whole shebang cost me something like $400 from L.L. Bean. I really got my money's worth out of it, but at this point I think the floor might be a more comfortable sleeping surface. Naturally, the mattress I liked the most was one of the more expensive ones - it's a Tempur Pedic. For what we paid for this thing, any rational person would also expect it to perform sexual favors. I think I'm still on the hook for those though. Damn.

Deep thoughts

It's finally the end of a very long week and I've just sat down to my desk after coming home and taking out the trash. Ashley's thesis defense was a great success (even though she still isn't convinced of that) - she packed the house! I've never seen so many people show up for a thesis defense - she even had a couple of her students turn out for this! They had to sit on the floor because the room was so full. She did a fabulous job, just like I knew she would, and I'm so proud of her! Her whole family flew out from Oregon for this. It was so sweet it almost made me wish I had told my mom that I was defending my thesis. I just visited her the other day and I still don't think I told her. I know - who forgets to say to her mother, "hey Mom, I just got my Master's degree!!!"? You know who? Me, that's who. I knew if I told her, she'd feel obligated to come, and she'd probably dress up and all. If she dressed up, that would mean that she thought it was a big deal. I didn't want it to be a big deal, because I wouldn't have been able to handle it emotionally. Really. I would have been hiding in a bathroom stall somewhere shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. That's not a good look for me. If I pretended like it was just a normal day, I'd be fine. So that's what I did. And I was. Although I almost started to choke up at the very end when I showed the collage of people/pets I'd lost. When I was an early undergrad, I always envisioned the day that I would graduate with my bachelor's degree and how proud my dad would be when he saw me walk across that stage. That day never came. By the time I finally got my bachelor's degree after more than a decade of hard work, Alzheimer's had already taken too much of him. I still beat myself up sometimes for taking too long to get through school. I don't ever again want to build fantasies in my head that reality doesn't have a prayer of living up to. I joked about naming plasmids after my dad, my grandma, Bob the Hedgehog, and my cat, Lynx, to make it okay for me to memorialize them without making people feel too awkward. I really did name plasmids after them though - I wasn't kidding about that.

It was weird to be back at Eastern. Good, but weird. I didn't feel at home there like I used to though. I think this is mostly because I was a good girl and turned in all of my keys, even though Judy never shook me down for them. Even after 2 weeks, it still doesn't feel right not to have my jailor's key ring on my belt. I still catch myself checking my hip for keys that aren't there anymore. I had so many keys on my carabiner that I really needed to wear a belt to keep them from dragging my pants down. What I found really surprising today was how many people told me they read this blog and how much they enjoy it. It actually made me feel a little embarrassed. I honestly didn't think anyone would care enough to want to read it. Me interesting? What?! It feels good to have proof that you belong. At the very least, I'm glad my misery is a source of amusement because otherwise it would be a total waste. VandenBosch showed me how much he loves me by giving me a USB key I need to fix the figure in my thesis that he told me I screwed up, then proceeding to completely ignore me in order to totally monopolize conversation with Mandy, who came from Puerto Rico for Ashley's defense. Then, when I protested, he started talking about me to Mandy in Spanish. He said I was muy something. I think it was probably muy pain-in-the-ass (however you say that in Spanish). I reminded him that his wife had called him a few minutes earlier and would be wondering why he wasn't home yet. I hadn't seen Jim in 2 weeks, yet we picked right up where we left off with the old married couple bickering. Ah, it was so nice to be home again.

I had intended to talk about more stuff, but now I don't feel like it. I'll save it for tomorrow. I didn't expect to enjoy writing (only as long as it isn't thesis-related, otherwise I'd rather have my fingernails ripped off), but I'm starting to remember why in high school I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. If only I would grow up already...

Morning rush + torrential rain + Detroit = Fustercluck

Yeah, yeah at least it's not snow, right? Whatever - I'm still not a fan of the rain. Yesterday it took me 45 minutes to get to Wayne State because of it. As soon as I entered Detroit city limits, traffic just stopped. I ended up walking into class late. Mind you, it normally takes me 24-30 minutes to get to school. So I leave the house 15 minutes early to give me a bit of a buffer (leaving at 8:45 for a 9:30 class). Since it was even rainier this morning than it was yesterday morning, I left the house at 8:30,  a full hour before my class is scheduled to start. This time, traffic ground to a halt in Dearborn - nearly 5 miles outside Detroit city limits. Fabulous. There were a few points at which I seriously thought about parking my car on the shoulder and walking the remaining 10 miles to school. I probably would have gotten there faster than I actually did. It took me AN HOUR to get to campus. Getting to class on time just hasn't been in the cards for me lately. Apparently, only the middle lane of I-94 in Detroit doesn't completely flood when it rains. These are not puddles; you could paddle a kayak through this water.

After class, I decided to walk down Canfield towards Woodward and Cass, gradually making my way to main campus. Shitty day to do it because of the rain, but there were a couple of stores that I've been wanting to check out. I ended up wandering around for an hour and a half. I learned a few things during the course of my trek. One is that there are black squirrels in the parking lot behind The Whitney. Okay, there was one black squirrel, but it was super cute and I was surprised to see ANY squirrels running around down there. Another thing I discovered is that the WSU Barnes & Noble bookstore sucks monkey balls. All I wanted were 3 things: a WSU lanyard for my ID card, a cute shirt for Elliot, and a short checkout line. All they had were the lanyards. Believe it or not, the EMU bookstore at the Student Center is waaaay better in just about every regard. And a third thing that I discovered while walking back to the medical campus is that main campus has power supplied by Consumers Energy, while the med school and half of Midtown is supplied by Detroit Public Lighting. At least the power waited to go out until I didn't need it for class anymore. Would've been nice for traffic though. Some people don't seem to think the 4-way stop rule applies to them.

I need to go eat some ice cream and go to bed. I have an interview with Dr. W after class tomorrow to help me figure out whether I want to do a rotation in his lab. As soon as I'm done with that, I'll be headed over to Eastern for Ashley's defense. And beer. Mmmm, beer. I haven't had any alcohol since the Bio party at Frenchie's. I should be a cheap date :)

Nice to meet you, Physiology guy!

I actually talked to someone this morning while waiting to be let into molecular biology lecture! His name is K and he's in the Physiology program. I think he sounds like a very interesting guy, and here's why: before we actually introduced ourselves, I was busy eavesdropping on a phone call he made that kind of made me prick my ears up. I gathered that he was calling a jail or prison - he told the person on the other end that he'd received a letter from his brother, which stated that the brother's release date was today. He was calling to confirm this so he could make pick-up arrangements (I assume). The first call was to the wrong person or department, so he made a second call to someone else. I'm not sure if he got any useful information or not - I must have zoned out or something. To summarize, all I really know about K is 1) his name is K, 2) he's in the Physiology PhD program (and doesn't have to take cell bio, damn him!), and 3) he has a delinquent brother who was supposed to be getting out of the joint today. The dichotomy between the goody-goody smarty-pants PhD student brother and the locked-up criminal brother (he had to have done something pretty bad to have time to be writing and sending letters, right?) makes K a very interesting person indeed.